Tag Archives: parenthood challenges

Parental Manual

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So I have taken the opportunity to read Perfecting Parenting Guide, and reflecting back on what I’ve read, it’s amazing how once reading something how much it feels like it’s talking about you specifically.  How true is the statement “Parenthood is a potpourri of feelings”.

Being a mother of two, I have went through so many feelings in the eight years since my son was born.  There are days where everything goes exactly the way you need them too, everyone in the home is in a good mood, my son and four year old daughter are not bickering at each, and everyone is just happy.  Then there are the days where the bickering starts as soon as their feet hit the floor, my voice does not faze them, and we can’t do anything but discuss what is going on with them and making them spend their time in the rooms, having them think about the way they are acting and what they feel like they need to do to correct it.

The parenting guide takes you through various exercises and though I have not had time to complete the exercises, the questions that I have read have actually made me think.  In the exercise where it asks to grade yourself on what you feel you teach well as a parent and what you lack in.  It amazed me by my answers to these questions and it tells myself that even though I feel like I am a good mother, there is so much that I need to work on.  Besides teaching our children, we must teach ourselves how to be that wonderful teacher that our children look up to and love so much.  We as parents need to reflect on not only what we are teaching our children but what in fact we are learning ourselves.

Open Ears, Open Heart: Communicating with Children

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Each of my children is distinctive and unique. At 9, Erik is the classic first born – good at everything he touches, academically inclined, athletic and responsible. Shane at 8, exhibits many stereotypical middle-child traits: expert mediator, compassionate lover of mankind, 100% likable. His twin sister Ava is strong, intuitive and sassy.

When I think about communicating with my children, I suppose without realizing it, I tailor my messaging for each one based on their personality. When you understand what drives and motivates a person, tailoring your message accordingly keeps misunderstandings to a minimum and helps achieve the desired result. Yes, I’ve definitely spent too much time in corporate America attempting to win friends and influence people. But the principles of Dale Carnegie’s theories are not so far off . . .

When it comes down to it, really listening to children in an effort to understand their heart, feelings and needs is the most caring thing we can do. We all just want to be loved. Kids are simply less filtered in expressing that desire. So they give you fantastic cues about what they need. Erik, as he wrestles with being the self-proclaimed ‘man of the house’, responds best to quiet, private reassurance. Shane, always looking to make sure all is well with the world, craves predictability and gentle encouragement. Ava, with her no-nonsense confidence, prefers I get straight to the point and out of her way.

Of course I’m not always conscious of formulating a message based on the particular child I am speaking with. That would be disingenuous, and it’s my goal to always speak from my authentic heart. My most effective parenting moments however, come when I set aside the homework, sports, meal prep, laundry, etc. to really hear what my kids are saying. Regardless of how I choose to respond, I find the best way I can meet a child’s elementary need for love is simply to listen.

Millie

From Blank Slate to Bully

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There’s no question the victim of bullying can be irreparably damaged. In this forum, however, I’d like to look at bullying from the bully’s perspective. What would drive a child to be mean?  After all, they are clean slates when they start out. What happens in the mind and heart of the bully that they make the choice to abuse another child?

I don’t believe a bully wakes up one morning and decides to be mean. Bullying is a cry for help by the perpetrator. Whatever has happened in the past, or is currently going on at home, has the bully lashing-out. The bully simply doesn’t have an appropriate outlet for his own strong emotions and the nearest, most vulnerable victim is the target. Misplaced anger is what motivates one child to pick-on another. And so the cycle continues.

Yes, we need to stop bullying at the school and cyber-space level. But to truly be effective in solving the greater problem, we need to get to the kids before the thought of taking their anger out on another even occurs to them. One way to do this is to give them appropriate ways to manage their anger. At our house we stop our feet and run laps around the outside of the house. I’ve heard of other families who do pushups and sit-ups. Once the physical urge is released, we are free to have a dialogue about the emotions underneath.

Bullying is our wake-up call. It’s telling us emotional tools and support are essential to the well-being of our children, of our future.

Love,
Millie

I’m Learning How to Live Lovingly

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For the next twelve or so weeks, we are going to be writing about topics addressed in Onionhead’s Keys & Codes to Living Good.  This new program has had an immediate and profound effect on my marriage.  My wife and I began working the program together.  After 20 weeks, we have found a more authentic way to grow and live together.

The Living Good Program begins with the Key of “Lovingly”. One sentence that means the most to me from the wisdom’s shared are: “love is the exact opposite of hurt, it is heart; it does not harm, it helps.”  It pains me to see people hurt the ones they love the most.  Why?  Are there fewer consequences?  More tolerance?  More compassion?

What I learned is that our own ignorance of how to live lovingly opens the door to quick judgment and criticism.  My “ah-ha” was working to understand the impact of being shamed and hurt by loved-ones.  I have some childhood memories that were not at all pleasant.  My mother baring her teeth and very angry at me because I had cut myself and bled on her white carpet.  My father who was my little league baseball coach angrily and publicly embarrassing me in a game.  I did not feel compassion or love in those moments.  My parents in their unconscious moments had hurt me.  It was at that early age where I had started to learn an inappropriate idea of how love could be expressed.

Later as a parent myself, I tried hard to be different… to be a loving parent.  While I know I was not perfect, I realized by working on this part of the Living Good Program that somehow a voice had developed in my heart that helped me to not repeat most of my parent’s mistakes.  As long as my head plays second string to my heart, I have a chance!

The Thanksgiving Conundrum

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Thanksgiving has presented an interesting challenge for my family.  Like many Americans, we see it as the day when families are meant to come together, eat great food, and reflect on all our blessings.  We’ve got the food and thankfulness well covered; it’s just the family-coming-together piece that’s been a little sticky.

While neither my husband nor myself have large immediate families, each family has a set of entrenched Thanksgiving traditions. Both of those traditions involve hosting large Thanksgiving gatherings.  When we first got married, my family politely invited Jay’s family to their gathering, Jay’s family politely invited my family to their gathering, and both families politely declined the others invitation.  Bet you can guess where this is going.

It wasn’t too bad early on; we would have dinner with one, dessert with the other, and switch it up the next year.  Of course, Jay and I didn’t love the hour-plus travel between the two homes.  By the time we got to the second place, we were tired and cranky – and our moods never improved when we saw the leftover dessert pickings.  It got more difficult after we had the kids.  They would no sooner be relaxed at one place then I’d be looking at my watch, urging them to eat faster so we could hit the road.

Despite the glitches, we continued this pattern for many long years, because we thought we were doing the right thing.  We didn’t want to make anyone feel badly by skipping their gathering.  We didn’t want to foster any resentment because we “chose” to stay with one family over another on any given year.  But when we took a step back, we realized that in trying to spare everyone’s feelings, we ended up hurting them.

Turns out, no one else much liked our solution, either.  The dinner family felt we would eat and run, the dessert family felt that they were getting the short end of the stick, and the kids felt like they were being whirled around with no ability to stay and play.

By trying to be there for everybody, we ended spreading ourselves too thin, giving too little to everyone.  And that was a valuable lesson for me.  If I’m going to be there, I need to really be there, and be fully present in the moment.  To be physically with Jay’s family but mentally checked out, worrying about the traffic, didn’t honor them or our relationship.

Last year was the first time in some 15 years that we didn’t split the holiday.  And it was wonderful!  I was relaxed, Jay was relaxed, the kids had time to get into trouble with the cousins (ok, so maybe it wasn’t perfect), and we all had time to breathe.  Happy Thanksgiving indeed.

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Ping Pong Gratitude

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It’s the time of year when we all start to hear about gratitude.  With Thanksgiving right around the corner, our kids come home from school with gratitude projects – like the always-enlightening “make a list of all the things you’re thankful for”.  (When my son was 4, the thing that topped his list was “my pillow.”  Not his mom, dad, sister, extended family, home, food, even toys – but a pillow!  Who knew one down-alternative-filled headrest could inspire so much love??)

So the kids hear about gratitude in school; we read inspiring stories in the paper about amazing people doing amazing things in the face of amazing odds; Thanksgiving passes; and we all go back to normal.  At best.  With the end of Thanksgiving coinciding with the unofficial start of the holiday shopping season, we sometimes enter December feeling even less grateful than usual.  We’re filled with the “gimmies”, focusing on all that we want for the holidays, all that we don’t have, all that we fear we won’t be able to get.

It’s so easy to fall into this trap in our society.  As a nation, we are incredibly fortunate.  Virtually all of us have access to running water, electricity, grocery stores, schools.  We have a stable, functioning government, the ability to vote our government in and out of office, and the right to complain about all of their actions.  With all the basics taken care of (and taken for granted), we’re free to focus on all that we lack, regardless of how important those lacks are in the grander scheme of things.

When I find myself falling into this “all that I lack” mindset, I think back to something I learned from Warren Buffett.  Yes, that Warren Buffett.  Turns out that one of the richest men in the world has a clever litmus test to keep things in perspective.  He came to speak at our school, and asked us to imagine that each of our lives was represented by a ping pong ball that had been spit out by the cosmic lottery machine.  Were we willing to put our ball back into the machine and take whatever was spit out in its place?

Put that way, the choice was clear – and the answer was clearer.  Not one person in that crowd of several hundred was willing to take that risk.

As for me?  I took that lesson to heart.  My husband and I actually mounted two ping pong balls in a shadow box and put it up in our house.  Every time I feel like I’m lacking – in material possessions, in time, in sleep (perpetually in sleep!) – I take myself over to those ping pong balls and remind myself of how truly lucky I am.

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Denial is not a river in Egypt

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Denial is not a river in Egypt. How often have we heard that phrase? Probably over and over again all through our childhood. Could we be in denial of denial? I can think of so many reasons why someone might be in a state of denial, and none of them are helpful. I felt I needed to really look at this response so I can help my son with it. If I’m not in touch with it, how can he be?

At first I remembered when I was a kid, my sister and I thought if we just kept denying, we would never get a “punishment”.  What I didn’t realize then was that we give ourselves our own punishment by denying, and carrying a burden of “untruth” on our shoulders. Might not sound like a big deal at first, but it’s those untruths that eat away at us when we can’t sleep, or when a relationship is in trouble and there is denial behind the difficulty.  I think denial is like a river, which never stops running, and becomes more turbulent at some times than others.

How much lighter our burden would be and how much better we would sleep if we just “fessed up” all the time. There would be no secrets, nothing to cover up, wouldn’t have to remember what story was said to whom (which gets trickier as we get older when our memory’s not so great).

And we’re adults. How do we explain to our kids? Come clean, life is so much better. Admit we’re not perfect.  If we can’t manage to overcome denial, how can we help our kids? There are so many little incidents in the past that I wish I had come clean about. I can’t believe sometimes, so many years later, I’ll recall some childhood wrongdoing that was never revealed. I don’t want my son to be carrying these small burdens, which if allowed to become a habit, over time becomes a heavy weight.

We have to be the example of this for our kids, and take the time to explain the faults of denial.  If we’ve done something, we’ve done it.  We can’t paddle backwards now against the current, can’t go back in time and undo it. But we also don’t have to drown.  We can take responsibility for our actions with the intention to do better in the future, and then move on, clean and light and free.

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Teaching Moments Discovered

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After reading Pam’s entry the first thing I thought of was, “Wow, she caught the teaching moment in her son’s joke that is amazing!”  I don’t think I would have caught that in the “Da Nile” joke, I really have to pay more attention.  She is so right; there are teaching moments around us all day long.  Not only do the kids provide us these opportunities but so do our coworkers, friends and family.  It is up to us to pick them out and then to not allow them to pass.

It would have been easy for Pam to laugh and move on to the next joke but to take the TIME to stop and explain to her son what denial is which also allowed her to see how denial has affected her life was the true gift and teaching moment for them both!

Life is full of teaching moments, both for ourselves to grow and for us to help others and I think a lot of times life’s busyness gets in the way and we don’t take the few minutes that could really make a huge difference.  So slow down, and see the gifts in every day and don’t let the teaching moments pass you by!

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Navigating the River

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Suddenly I’m living in joke-land. My son has hit that phase that every child seems to go through – he’s discovered the magic of jokes, and of making people laugh, and he has a built-in audience at home. So every day he comes downstairs with something new.

It’s actually been a lot of fun getting reacquainted with these jokes (they’re new to him, but not to anyone over 10). Yesterday I was treated to this one:

“We can’t be in Da Nile because we’re not in Egypt!”

The richest thing about the whole experience was having to explain the concept of “denial” to an 8-year old. He knows the word, so got the joke on that level, but had no idea what it meant to be “in denial”. Talking about it with him made me think about my own relationship with denial – it’s a river I’m personally acquainted with.

I grew up thinking of denial in the context of self-denial and “doing what’s right”. In that light, denial was something virtuous – I denied myself the extra brownie, sparing the pounds – good for me! I denied that I was feeling angry, sparing a scene – great self control!

Hmmm. Something about that just doesn’t feel right.

I’ve come to realize two things about denial. First, there’s a power in how I choose to look at things. Rather than coming at it thinking that I’m missing something – like that extra brownie – I can celebrate the fact that I’m making a choice to do something that’s good for myself. I’m choosing long-term good over short-term pleasure, and there’s nothing limiting about that.

Secondly, no good can ever come of denying our emotions. So I’d leave a situation without causing a scene. But did that do anything to resolve the issue? No. Did it make me feel better in the long term? No. Did it cause me to really, really want to eat that extra brownie (therapy through sweets)? Yes, yes and yes!

When I acknowledge my feelings, I give myself the chance to change them. When I share my true thoughts, I’m honoring my relationship with the person I’m speaking with – and giving them the respect of unvarnished honesty. Once again, it means I’m choosing long-term good over short-term thinking, and there’s nothing limiting about that.

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Halloween Retrospective

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My son says his favorite “holiday” is Halloween. I guess on one hand I shouldn’t be surprised, because kids love candy, and we don’t generally have candy in our house. Yet I still wondered, better than the toys at Christmas or Hanukkah?

I think there are many components to Halloween that appeal to kids (of all ages). Dressing up, taking on personas other than our own, family traditions like picking pumpkins and carving them, connecting with friends and neighbors when trick-or-treating  that normally we don’t make the time for. And, yes, candy! My son loves sorting and finding the special pieces more than eating it. I remember enjoying that, too. But I think as my son is getting older, he is feeling more independent. No, he does not go out without an adult, but the adult sort of lags behind, giving the kids some space to be themselves and have fun.

Halloween poses some interesting things to deal with as a parent, like keeping them from having too much candy, and not allowing a costume that is too violent, bloody, scary, or “sexy”. It takes real conviction that we are doing the right thing, and patience to hold the line when they don’t understand our decisions. It’s certainly more work for us to stand by our decisions than to give in. There’s the feeling that we are “spoiling the fun”.  This extends out into many other areas. It’s not only inappropriate costumes, but video games, movies, internet access and cell phones.  And not just candy, but lots of other unhealthy food and beverage choices. Holding to these principles takes the practice of delayed gratification, since our kids will not appreciate this till later in their lives!

I try to remind myself that I am creating a foundation for my child, hopefully with a balance of fun and necessary restraint.  Both of which are important now and for his future. I may not wind up being the perfect parent (is there such a thing?) but I can certainly try to do what is within my power.  Whether they know it or not, they are depending on us to keep them safe and happy and healthy through the decisions we make on their behalf.

I think Halloween winds up being a very good exercise for everyone, and a basic example of the balancing act that is life. Finding that balance, sharing with our children our reasoning behind our decisions, empowering them with understanding, allowing them to experience compromise and acceptance, and finding a way to still make it completely fun and positive, a way to connect and cherish each other. Hmm…..I guess Halloween really is a pretty good holiday.

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